Despite the upbeat title of my blog, this post is not sunshine and daisies. As positive as I try to be about Drew, there are some days that leave me feeling helpless and immobile.
As I write this post, Drew is serving the latest in what has been a long line of punishments here at home due to school misbehavior. He made a poor choice today and received in-school suspension for half of the day tomorrow. Frankly, with a week left in the school year, I am surprised that they did not just expel him for the remainder of the year but I'm pretty sure they take his diagnosis into consideration when deciding his punishment. If you were to look at his rap sheet, I'm sure it's as long as my arm. Repeated office visits, isolated lunches and in-school suspension seems like they have been the norm for Drew this year.
Also as I write this, the giant wad of bitterness which has been growing inside of me for 3 years might have reached it's maximum size today. I am so very, very bitter. And I do not enjoy this state of mind. It makes me mean and short-tempered towards the undeserving. It makes me resentful towards people who have typically-developing children. It makes me jealous of the freedom that other families enjoy with their "normal" children without having to be pinned down by doctor visits or wondering if their kids can "handle" things if they simply want to go out to eat one evening. It turns me into a recluse, shutting myself off from things unless I absolutely have to do them. It makes me profoundly sad. Bitterness sometimes makes me want to literally run away. I am angry at myself for giving into the bitterness. It makes it hard to enjoy the good days because I am almost always waiting for the next bad one.
To add to the fun, I have a lot of shame attached to my bitterness about Drew's diagnosis with a psychological issue. Many people who haven't experienced this, though well-meaning, have said things to me such as, "It could be worse" or "At least you know what the problem is". Believe me, I know how much worse it could be. My mother lost a baby shortly after birth before I was born. My stepbrother died of cystic fibrosis when he was almost 30 but not before repeated illnesses and hospitalizations. I can't imagine the grief my mother, father and stepmother still endure.
I am grateful that the universe sent this physically healthy yet somewhat limited child to us. There couldn't be two better caregivers or advocates for Drew. However, Bobby and I are entitled to grieve over our child's struggles and be angry about the hand we have been dealt. Period. I have to keep telling myself that because otherwise I'll start to feel even more bitter. Yet, I feel SO guilty being SO angry about Drew's issues but everything is relative, isn't it? Our situation is not life-threatening but it is still quite significant to our family. I wish there were an easy way to explain this to people but I don't think anybody can "get" it who hasn't been a member of a family affected by a psychological condition.
So...I've tried several things to ease the bitterness. I've tried to pray it away. I've read several books about raising autistic children. I've tried to distract myself with hobbies and fun. I've tried to stay busy. I've tried to find the lessons to be learned because, as we always tell people when they experience difficulty, "everything happens for a reason." I've tried to write (duh), meditate, and talk to people, including therapists. Some of these things have given me perspective and given me a modicum of comfort. Some of them haven't worked at all (or maybe just not yet) and have often left me feeling worse. Mainly, I just want to be able to lose the underlying current of panic that seems to always be quietly churning somewhere deep inside me. That would be enough for me.
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